Breakdown

I would be lying if I said that I haven't cried while trying to conceive this time but never like tonight. I think tonight was my breakdown of feeling sorry for myself,mad at the world,mad at God ect. I was totally fine this cycle about the possibility of another negative pregnancy test and then while waiting for the test to be complete in the bathroom and while praying to God I hear Noah ask Keith if he is a big brother and then argue with Keith when he tells him he isn't yet. Neither one of them knew I was testing in the bathroom at the time. My eyes welled up in that moment but no tears were shed. It wasn't until I was sitting at the kitchen table with my husband that I said "I don't know how much more of this I can take." Instead of a hug or an "it will be ok" he is more logical than that. In those moments you don't need a health lesson, you only need a hug. Well I needed a hug anyways but instead I got angry and stormed out and went for a walk. All of a sudden the song, Just a little walk with Jesus came into my head. 

"Now let us have a little talk with Jesus
We're gonna tell Him all about our troubles
He will hear our fainted cry
He will answer by and by
Oh well, when you feel a little prayer wheel turning
And you will know a little fire is burnin'
You will find a little talk with Jesus makes it right"

I began to sob....and sob.....and sob much more. I was afraid my neighbors would see me crying so I tried to look away from their homes. I couldn't get back home fast enough. Then I just sat on the tail gate of my husband's truck and it all just came out. Emotions running out of every inch of my body. Tears just flew from my eyes and I couldn't catch my breath. I realized in that moment that this was a meltdown. Why? Why am I the only female in my entire immediate family with fertility issues after having my first child? Why do undeserving women have as many children as they want? Why can't I do this one task that the female was created for? Why can I give Noah anything else in the entire world but this? Why do I let myself get upset? 

I finally calmed down plus the gnats ran me back inside and had a talk with my husband. He really is sweet but you have to pull it out of him as he tends to forget that sometimes saying nothing at all is way more efficient in moments like this. Once I calmed down I realized that tomorrow is my blood work that we haven't been able to get in months past because my period has shown up before the test can be done. I am praying now that my period stays away long enough to get my blood drawn tomorrow. After that we should have more answers about how to go about making our next Angel. 

Several minutes after what I believe was my first breakdown I realize that that song that came into my head wasn't a coincidence. It didn't just appear there for no reason. Those emotions that I could feel on every inch of my body weren't just because I was emotional. Those tears that streamed down my cheeks weren't entirely from sadness. It was long after that moment when I realized that God was talking to me. No matter how many times I've said to myself "Let Go, Let God" I've never fully done it. It's time to do it now. Just a little walk with Jesus was just what I needed. Amen, to that. 

My rollercoaster

Life has proven more than ever to be one huge emotional roller coaster lately. My period cycles are so screwed up again and there's no wonder as to why we can't get pregnant. I'm almost positive Aunt Flow is right around the corner again since she has been showing signs of her untimely arrival for the past few days which means that we were unsuccessful once again. I can't even get my blood work done at the doctor's office because I bleed before day 25 of my cycle thus causing me to be unable to get any help to ovulate. This month will make 8 cycles since we have been trying to conceive our precious Angel. Noah doesn't understand either. He was so excited to go to the hospital when my niece was born the other night. It was incredibly cute. The next day when he found out I went back to the hospital to visit he asked "Why didn't you bring our baby home with you mom?" I had to explain to him that it wasn't our baby and it was Uncle Jake and Aunt Tai's baby. He asked "Why did you leave her with them?" I had to then explain a final time that she isn't our baby but she is our family and we will get to see her grow up and play with her just like his cousins Levi and Meadow and that the baby was in Aunt Tai's belly not mommy's. He seemed ok with it but looked puzzled.

As much as I try to lean on my faith to get through the bouts of depression with our inability to get pregnant right away I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't tough. I believe that one day we will have an addition to our family but it drives me nuts that I can't do it right away. Noah is 4 1/2 years old and I worry that if he gets too much older that a new baby might be something that he is no longer interested in us having. I worry that the jealousy will be worse and their bond won't be as strong as it could have been if they were closer in age. I guess worrying could be causing more damage than good in the long run but I'm only human.

If you're reading this, please continue to pray for myself and my little family. I'd appreciate that more than you'd ever know.

Noah,Noah,Noah (TTC Month 6)

I picked Noah up from daycare one day last week and when I walked in the door his teacher looks at me and says "I hear congratulations are in order. Congrats!" I asked what for and she said "You're pregnant." I told her I wasn't pregnant and she said "Well you better tell him that because he has told all of us that mommy has a baby in her belly and he is going to be a big brother." Apparently, he told anyone that would listen. I chuckled (Surprisingly it didn't make me cry). I explained to her that we have been trying for a while and it just has not happened yet.

I asked Noah why he told everyone that and his reply was "I want to tell them mommy. Please let me tell them." I explained that it was a lie and we don't tell lies and asked him why he thought I had a baby in my belly. He said "I just know it. I have a lot of brains." Once again I laughed while wondering where he comes up with this stuff. The whole way home I thought about it and even though it made me laugh it also made me a little sad that we haven't accomplished giving him a sibling yet but on the other hand this incident proved to me that Noah is ready to be a big brother and he will be excited when that time comes. That alone is a blessing.

Friends and family thought it would be funny if Noah knew something that we didn't seeing as how kids have a sixth sense at times. I can't lie, the thought crossed my mind also. However, I'm pretty positive I am not pregnant at the moment seeing as how I am having signs of the always unwelcomed Aunt Flow. I suppose it would still be ironic if it happened soon though. I guess there is always next month but until then we are still "practicing" as the hubby likes to call it.

The ironic thing is that Keith has really come out of his shell this month with the whole trying to conceive thing and it's truly been amazing. He has been wanting another baby also but he is a worry wart and has had some concerns about my health through all of this, causing him to not show excitement as much as I'd like. It seems like Noah's excitement has rubbed off on him and maybe a part of that has to do with the fact that he knows now that Noah will be ok with us sharing our time with another child in the future.

Just....a lot

I haven't blogged in a while because I've just had too much on my mind. I had an appointment recently with my Endo and I was so excited to give her the good news that my cycles have regulated with my metformin. Little did I know that I had bad news coming my way too. Due to the amount of bleeding I have been having during my cycle she told me very sweetly "Becky, you're not ovulating." CRUSH number 283,576,951,249! She put me on another medication for my insulin resistance and explained that this should help me ovulate by helping me lose some weight in the meantime. The whole way back to work my brain was scattered. Why should I ever think that anything was ever going to go as planned for me? Bad things happen to good people. That's the bottom line and it seems like the less deserving and the people who do the worst things get whatever they want. I question why this is the case but then quickly remind myself that I'm not supposed to know why everything happens and that God has a plan. I truly feel like God will bless our family with another child and that Noah will eventually be a big brother. I have to stay positive or else I will totally lose my mind.

On a MUCH happier note. Noah had his preschool graduation ceremony yesterday and he was super cute dressed up like a police officer. They had to dress up like whatever they wanted to be when they grow up. He wore his dad's pins from when Keith was in police explorer as a child and my father in-law brought him a hat and some stuff to clip on his belt. He reminded me of a little Chris (my dad) standing up there at times and at other times I could totally see Keith and A.K. in him. When it was his time to speak he said "When I grow up I want to be a police man. I want to keep the bad guys off the street and make sure they're put away!" My heart melted. We had no idea that he even had a speaking part much less a solo singing "He's the king of the Jungle." We certainly are proud parents and are very blessed to have him in our lives. Of course I recorded everything on my phone and took lots of pictures and all night last night I watched them over and over again just baffled by how fast he has grown. I used to think the whole "I blinked my eyes and you were grown" mantra was cheesy but it is so true once you become a parent. It seems like only yesterday I held him in my arms for the first time. I praise God for him!

*Sigh*

"Are you done with just number one?"

"When can we expect number two?"

"Do you want any more children?"

"Doesn't Noah need a little sister yet?"

How many times can you hear these questions in one weekend without freaking out? I had family in town and I know they don't know my situation but that doesn't make it anymore easier to deal with the fact that we haven't been successful trying to get pregnant yet. This week has been full of questions though, not just the weekend. Noah was playing with a kid on the playground before tball practice and the kid goes:

Kid: "My mom has a baby in her belly."

Noah: "Is it a boy baby or a girl baby?"

Kid: "We don't know yet. What kind of baby do you have?"

Noah: "We don't have a baby yet. My mom doesn't have a baby in her belly."

Kid: "Oh, well she should get one in her belly then."

Noah: "Yeah I know, I tell her"

While the conversation was totally cute and innocent I didn't realize that the chaos would begin from that point on throughout the whole week. At practice he was asking his coach all about his baby girl. Then when we got in the car I wasn't prepared for Noah's questions of

"Mom, that boy has a little sister AND his mommy has a baby in her belly."

Me: "Wow, buddy that's great."

Noah: "But I don't have even one baby yet mom and I wish I could get one. Why don't we have one yet mom?"

Me: "Honey, mommy is trying but Jesus hasn't put one in mommy's belly yet. We just have to keep praying about it."

Noah: "Ok, but I do that all the time...."

The drive home took forever trying to hold back the misty eyes but I found comfort in the whole "Let go, Let God" speech I gave myself in my head. Then the first set of questions that I posted arose this weekend at family gatherings. I think the toughest one was when my Great Grandfather, who is 92 years old and has to be remembered of who I am asked Noah which one was his little brother or sister that was there. Noah just looked at him confused like but said "I don't have a brother or a sister yet but I have a puppy named Minnow..." I can tell that it's starting to bug Noah like it bugs me.....and that's my breaking point, when I can't fix something that is bugging him or me. I have so many people that are pregnant around me too that it makes it really tough to be around. I'm so happy for them but I can't help but be human in wishing it was me too. I really feel like a second child is in our future. I can just feel that it IS in the cards for us but it is just hard to deal with the questions more than anything. I could live without being asked every other day if I'm going to have another baby. *Sigh*

So this is what hurt feels like?

Haven't posted in a while but Keith and I finally went on our honeymoon to Myrtle Beach for a weekend. Yes, we've been married for 5 years but we never had a weekend out of town alone. Figured no better time than the present. We had a great time reconnecting and spending time together. We agreed we should do that once a year for sure.

Most people know that we are trying for baby number 2. We thought for sure we got pregnant on the first try with this awful disease that causes fertility issues. We caught my ovulation on a test strip. Or at least we thought we did. I was having all the symptoms, signs were pointing to yes until this morning. A pain in a local retail store hit me pretty hard. It was just a large cramp and I knew something wasn't right. I went back to work and realized after going to the bathroom that everything we thought was a lie. I indeed am not pregnant this time. Instead my PCOS is roaring it's ugly head at me and laughing in my face and sending AF to me crazy earlier than normal. I just felt like I hit a brick wall. How naive of me to think that for once the ball was in my court and maybe there is a chance that great things happen to good people. I thought that maybe the doctors were wrong and maybe it won't take me forever to get pregnant again. I could be the one person with PCOS to get pregnant on the first try or the one person misdiagnosed even though I KNOW I have it. The symptoms are there every day. I feel incredibly stupid. I feel stupid for even thinking that for once I'd get what I want, when I want it. It hurts seeing people carelessly getting pregnant and having children for the wrong reasons when I'm a great mom and deserve to have another child. Noah deserves to have a sibling. Last night he was taking a bath and I was waiting for the results on a pregnancy test (even though I knew it could still be a day or so early to tell) and Noah closed his eyes in the tub and prayed "Dear Jesus, please give mommy my baby brother. In Jesus name we pray AMEN." It melted my heart and I just didn't want to disappoint him. When I told him that the test said not right now he cried out "Awww I want a baby mommy!" Not only is my body failing me but it's failing my son and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't like to make him unhappy. He deserves to be a big brother. I know that people get pregnant with PCOS every day but for some it takes years of negative tests or miscarrying babies. Does he deserve to be put through that? I want to experience pregnancy when Noah is still this age to create the memories of him and pregnancy while he is still interested. I can't promise that to him. I don't do well with patience. I don't do well with the not knowing and I don't do well feeling like I can't fix a situation. I keep repeating "Let go,Let God" in my head. That mantra helps a bit but I feel like I have the devil on my other shoulder creating a pitty party for myself. I just wish I could have the answers to all of this but since we don't have all the answers in life, I will lean on my salvation that the Lord will carry us through this journey. "Footprints in the sand" comes to mind in my situation. "It was then that I carried you." Praise the Lord for that.

Life is not fair.

I don't know if I'll ever understand some people. I love facebook. Probably too much. I am on it multiple times a day when I know that I could be spending my time more wisely. I just get so frustrated reading posts from people talking about the drama between them and their husbands. It just blows my mind that people want to air out their dirty laundry like that. If I was their husband I would flip out. Here's a thought, how about you use that time that you spent on finding a bad ass way to post you were angry at your husband and use it to work on your relationship? When things go sour is your first thought "how am I going to post about this on facebook?" It just ticks me off to see people who don't take their life seriously. They don't think before they do things or make big decisions. Like the decision to have babies. It's just not something that they seem to put much thought into. They probably spend longer debating on the right toilet paper to buy than the pros and cons of having another child. It irks me to no end because my husband and I both work jobs to raise our son and would love nothing more than to have another baby even though our finances don't agree with us but we have had to think long and hard about the process. Now I have a disease that could take that experience away from us all together. Why is it fair for others to be able to pop out babies like it's no big deal and then live off the government in the process. I can't afford another child because I'm supporting theirs!!! I feel like our government has failed the blue collar community. Those of us that work our butts off just to make ends meat. Hell, I see people that brag about living off the government that dress better than me and drive newer cars than mine. How is that fair? Well I guess I just chalk this up to the old mantra that my mother and father used to tell me when I'd say something wasn't fair. "Life is not fair"

Busy Busy

Thursday something great happened. My husband shot a gun for the first time since his hand accident. We were concerned that he wouldn't be able to pull the trigger and fulfill his dream of being a police officer. We were both so happy. It's a little painful for him to do it but it's nothing that practice can't fix. Praise the Lord!

Thursday night, Noah threw up 18 times and Taylor threw up 17 times. Come to find out they both have norovirus. It has been a mess. Noah was throwing up bile and having accidents in his undies from it. I tried and tried to not get sick but it didn't work. I got it pretty bad also. I'm hoping that Keith doesn't catch it or we will all be up a creek without a paddle. Why is it so hard for parents to keep their kids home if they are sick? That irritates me to no end.

Cancer should be a 4 letter word

I had planned to stay home from work today since I didn't sleep well last night and I wasn't feeling 100%. Cori texted me and let me know that a client of mine wanted to come in today and get her hair cut. I was going to just let Cori do it since the client was totally ok with that but something was pulling at my heart to go on in and do her. I ran into this client last week and something just seemed wrong with her. She told me should would fill me in during her next hair cut. So off I went, very concerned about the news I may find out about her.

I really just had a feeling that something was wrong watching her walk up the sidewalk to the shop. I could tell it was written all over her face that she wasn't herself. Normally this client is such a bubbly person and such a hoot to be around. She sat down in my chair after washing her hair and apologized for her hair being so much longer than usual but she thought that she may have to lose it. I knew then and there that we were dealing with the possibilities of the big C. No one ever wants to hear the word "cancer." As soon as we hear that ugly word it's like hearing a death sentence. This poor beautiful woman has had a rough few weeks since after Christmas with a lot of health problems and tests being run on her. As she began to tell me of all the pain that she has gone through with just the tests and the unknown she began to cry. I wanted to cry along with her but I knew that my job as a cosmetologist is to make men,women and children feel better than they did when they walked in there. I looked at her and said "please don't cry, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this but we are just going to take it one day at a time and think positive from here on out." She wiped her tears away and smiled and thanked me.

Inside I was a total wreck though. I wanted to cry out for all of the families that have lost loved ones to cancer including my own and all of the incredibly strong people out there fighting for their lives every single day with this terrible disease. Cori has a client battling the big C right now too and I have grown to look to her clients as my own family also. I hurt knowing what they are going through. I pray for them day in and day out that God will give them the strength to overcome horrible things.

Before she left she told me that if she indeed did have to do chemo then she would be shaving her head in the event that she begins to lose her hair. I told her that was not a problem and we will cross that hurdle if it arrives. I made her aware of Cori's client that recently had to do the same thing and how we understand that it is an emotional time for them and everyone there so if we have to do that then we will close the shop down for her appointment and it will just be her and I there along with Cori. She seemed to appreciate that small gesture. I don't think a lot of people really understand how hard it is to watch someone lose their hair. Being in this business and with the recent event of watching Cori's client go through it, it has taught me just how hard it is on a woman. Our hair is a part of our identity. It's a big part of what makes us feel feminine and beautiful. Losing that is just a complete soul crusher. It makes us question why does these terrible things have to happen to such great people? Why do they have to lose that part of them when the rest of their body and spirit is so weak? I don't understand it but what I do understand is that we aren't supposed to have the answers to everything. I watched my grandmother lose her hair. I remember being in the first grade and walking into her house where she was standing in the kitchen to find her in there cooking without any hair. I hid behind the kitchen counter and she asked me to come to her. I shook my head no and said "I'm scared of you." She cried and I have never forgotten that. I was just a child and had no idea how my words would cut through her like a knife but I was scared. I was scared of what was happening to her. I knew she was sick. I watched my grandfather give her shots and change her colostomy bags. I could lay in bed next to her while her bowels were emptied into a 5 gallon bucket and that didn't bother me but the fact that she lost her hair did. I will never ever forget that moment where my innocents hurt my grandmother so much.

Every time I see a woman that has had to lose her hair I think back to that moment as a child. I have only done this woman's hair 3 times now but she has become such a big part of me. I like to think of all of my clients as a part of our little Hair Haven family. I hurt when they hurt,I laugh when they laugh, I want to cry when they want to cry. If anyone out there is reading this, please pray for this woman along with Cori's client as they go through this horrific journey.

Jan,30,2012

Nothing real special happened today at the Miller house. I haven't been feeling good and Noah was an Angel today helping mommy out. He was my go to fella to get me bottles of water and tissues ect. He is growing up way too fast. Today he actually walked up to me and asked "Mommy and you teach me a lesson like at school." I was so shocked and jumped right up and grabbed his workbooks and cleared off a spot at the table. We had a mini school lesson even though mommy felt like poo today. He is such a joy!

Keith cut his leg open last Wednesday and now his whole leg is swollen from the knee down. That landed him another trip to the doctor today to find out he has vasculitis or something like that. He really should be elevating it but he is hard headed and wont. That boy can be so stubborn sometimes.

I'm so exhausted to have not done much of anything today. It's back to the grind tomorrow so I should get some rest.

It's been forever!

I haven't posted in this blog for almost 3 years. I decided tonight that I will post more often if for nothing else than a way for me to release all of these thoughts in my head.

Noah is almost 4 years old now. He is such a joy and so smart. We feel so blessed to be his parents. He has quite the personality. It's time to give him a sibling though.

This year I found out that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. It causes infertility. Infertility is something I never had to worry about before so this is all new to me. Along with the PCOS comes insulin resistance so I've had to change a lot in my life to try to get healthy. Keith and I were thinking about starting to conceive in another year or more but since it could take a while we decided to go ahead and remove the birth control now and get a head start. He is excited to "practice" getting pregnant. LOL.

On the other hand, I have tons of emotions running through my head. I'm excited,scared,worried you name it and I feel it 24/7. It's a lot for me to carry around with me. I feel like the success of bringing another baby into this family weighs totally on my shoulders. I have a higher risk of a miscarriage with this disease and that scares the crap out of me. I was so excited up until my appointment on Tuesday morning to get my birth control implant removed. I woke up that morning with butterflies in my stomach and worried. I wasn't worried about the procedure but the future rather. The unknown scares me to death and I keep telling myself to Let Go and Let God but that is easier said than done. I'm such a worry wart and I don't know how to fix that.

So, anyways that's pretty much the short story of what I'm going through right now. I'm hoping typing out my emotions and feeling will help me along the way on this journey. If you're reading out there I could use all the prayers and support I can get.