Haven't posted in a while but Keith and I finally went on our honeymoon to Myrtle Beach for a weekend. Yes, we've been married for 5 years but we never had a weekend out of town alone. Figured no better time than the present. We had a great time reconnecting and spending time together. We agreed we should do that once a year for sure.
Most people know that we are trying for baby number 2. We thought for sure we got pregnant on the first try with this awful disease that causes fertility issues. We caught my ovulation on a test strip. Or at least we thought we did. I was having all the symptoms, signs were pointing to yes until this morning. A pain in a local retail store hit me pretty hard. It was just a large cramp and I knew something wasn't right. I went back to work and realized after going to the bathroom that everything we thought was a lie. I indeed am not pregnant this time. Instead my PCOS is roaring it's ugly head at me and laughing in my face and sending AF to me crazy earlier than normal. I just felt like I hit a brick wall. How naive of me to think that for once the ball was in my court and maybe there is a chance that great things happen to good people. I thought that maybe the doctors were wrong and maybe it won't take me forever to get pregnant again. I could be the one person with PCOS to get pregnant on the first try or the one person misdiagnosed even though I KNOW I have it. The symptoms are there every day. I feel incredibly stupid. I feel stupid for even thinking that for once I'd get what I want, when I want it. It hurts seeing people carelessly getting pregnant and having children for the wrong reasons when I'm a great mom and deserve to have another child. Noah deserves to have a sibling. Last night he was taking a bath and I was waiting for the results on a pregnancy test (even though I knew it could still be a day or so early to tell) and Noah closed his eyes in the tub and prayed "Dear Jesus, please give mommy my baby brother. In Jesus name we pray AMEN." It melted my heart and I just didn't want to disappoint him. When I told him that the test said not right now he cried out "Awww I want a baby mommy!" Not only is my body failing me but it's failing my son and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't like to make him unhappy. He deserves to be a big brother. I know that people get pregnant with PCOS every day but for some it takes years of negative tests or miscarrying babies. Does he deserve to be put through that? I want to experience pregnancy when Noah is still this age to create the memories of him and pregnancy while he is still interested. I can't promise that to him. I don't do well with patience. I don't do well with the not knowing and I don't do well feeling like I can't fix a situation. I keep repeating "Let go,Let God" in my head. That mantra helps a bit but I feel like I have the devil on my other shoulder creating a pitty party for myself. I just wish I could have the answers to all of this but since we don't have all the answers in life, I will lean on my salvation that the Lord will carry us through this journey. "Footprints in the sand" comes to mind in my situation. "It was then that I carried you." Praise the Lord for that.
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