My rollercoaster

Life has proven more than ever to be one huge emotional roller coaster lately. My period cycles are so screwed up again and there's no wonder as to why we can't get pregnant. I'm almost positive Aunt Flow is right around the corner again since she has been showing signs of her untimely arrival for the past few days which means that we were unsuccessful once again. I can't even get my blood work done at the doctor's office because I bleed before day 25 of my cycle thus causing me to be unable to get any help to ovulate. This month will make 8 cycles since we have been trying to conceive our precious Angel. Noah doesn't understand either. He was so excited to go to the hospital when my niece was born the other night. It was incredibly cute. The next day when he found out I went back to the hospital to visit he asked "Why didn't you bring our baby home with you mom?" I had to explain to him that it wasn't our baby and it was Uncle Jake and Aunt Tai's baby. He asked "Why did you leave her with them?" I had to then explain a final time that she isn't our baby but she is our family and we will get to see her grow up and play with her just like his cousins Levi and Meadow and that the baby was in Aunt Tai's belly not mommy's. He seemed ok with it but looked puzzled.

As much as I try to lean on my faith to get through the bouts of depression with our inability to get pregnant right away I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't tough. I believe that one day we will have an addition to our family but it drives me nuts that I can't do it right away. Noah is 4 1/2 years old and I worry that if he gets too much older that a new baby might be something that he is no longer interested in us having. I worry that the jealousy will be worse and their bond won't be as strong as it could have been if they were closer in age. I guess worrying could be causing more damage than good in the long run but I'm only human.

If you're reading this, please continue to pray for myself and my little family. I'd appreciate that more than you'd ever know.