*Sigh*

"Are you done with just number one?"

"When can we expect number two?"

"Do you want any more children?"

"Doesn't Noah need a little sister yet?"

How many times can you hear these questions in one weekend without freaking out? I had family in town and I know they don't know my situation but that doesn't make it anymore easier to deal with the fact that we haven't been successful trying to get pregnant yet. This week has been full of questions though, not just the weekend. Noah was playing with a kid on the playground before tball practice and the kid goes:

Kid: "My mom has a baby in her belly."

Noah: "Is it a boy baby or a girl baby?"

Kid: "We don't know yet. What kind of baby do you have?"

Noah: "We don't have a baby yet. My mom doesn't have a baby in her belly."

Kid: "Oh, well she should get one in her belly then."

Noah: "Yeah I know, I tell her"

While the conversation was totally cute and innocent I didn't realize that the chaos would begin from that point on throughout the whole week. At practice he was asking his coach all about his baby girl. Then when we got in the car I wasn't prepared for Noah's questions of

"Mom, that boy has a little sister AND his mommy has a baby in her belly."

Me: "Wow, buddy that's great."

Noah: "But I don't have even one baby yet mom and I wish I could get one. Why don't we have one yet mom?"

Me: "Honey, mommy is trying but Jesus hasn't put one in mommy's belly yet. We just have to keep praying about it."

Noah: "Ok, but I do that all the time...."

The drive home took forever trying to hold back the misty eyes but I found comfort in the whole "Let go, Let God" speech I gave myself in my head. Then the first set of questions that I posted arose this weekend at family gatherings. I think the toughest one was when my Great Grandfather, who is 92 years old and has to be remembered of who I am asked Noah which one was his little brother or sister that was there. Noah just looked at him confused like but said "I don't have a brother or a sister yet but I have a puppy named Minnow..." I can tell that it's starting to bug Noah like it bugs me.....and that's my breaking point, when I can't fix something that is bugging him or me. I have so many people that are pregnant around me too that it makes it really tough to be around. I'm so happy for them but I can't help but be human in wishing it was me too. I really feel like a second child is in our future. I can just feel that it IS in the cards for us but it is just hard to deal with the questions more than anything. I could live without being asked every other day if I'm going to have another baby. *Sigh*

So this is what hurt feels like?

Haven't posted in a while but Keith and I finally went on our honeymoon to Myrtle Beach for a weekend. Yes, we've been married for 5 years but we never had a weekend out of town alone. Figured no better time than the present. We had a great time reconnecting and spending time together. We agreed we should do that once a year for sure.

Most people know that we are trying for baby number 2. We thought for sure we got pregnant on the first try with this awful disease that causes fertility issues. We caught my ovulation on a test strip. Or at least we thought we did. I was having all the symptoms, signs were pointing to yes until this morning. A pain in a local retail store hit me pretty hard. It was just a large cramp and I knew something wasn't right. I went back to work and realized after going to the bathroom that everything we thought was a lie. I indeed am not pregnant this time. Instead my PCOS is roaring it's ugly head at me and laughing in my face and sending AF to me crazy earlier than normal. I just felt like I hit a brick wall. How naive of me to think that for once the ball was in my court and maybe there is a chance that great things happen to good people. I thought that maybe the doctors were wrong and maybe it won't take me forever to get pregnant again. I could be the one person with PCOS to get pregnant on the first try or the one person misdiagnosed even though I KNOW I have it. The symptoms are there every day. I feel incredibly stupid. I feel stupid for even thinking that for once I'd get what I want, when I want it. It hurts seeing people carelessly getting pregnant and having children for the wrong reasons when I'm a great mom and deserve to have another child. Noah deserves to have a sibling. Last night he was taking a bath and I was waiting for the results on a pregnancy test (even though I knew it could still be a day or so early to tell) and Noah closed his eyes in the tub and prayed "Dear Jesus, please give mommy my baby brother. In Jesus name we pray AMEN." It melted my heart and I just didn't want to disappoint him. When I told him that the test said not right now he cried out "Awww I want a baby mommy!" Not only is my body failing me but it's failing my son and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't like to make him unhappy. He deserves to be a big brother. I know that people get pregnant with PCOS every day but for some it takes years of negative tests or miscarrying babies. Does he deserve to be put through that? I want to experience pregnancy when Noah is still this age to create the memories of him and pregnancy while he is still interested. I can't promise that to him. I don't do well with patience. I don't do well with the not knowing and I don't do well feeling like I can't fix a situation. I keep repeating "Let go,Let God" in my head. That mantra helps a bit but I feel like I have the devil on my other shoulder creating a pitty party for myself. I just wish I could have the answers to all of this but since we don't have all the answers in life, I will lean on my salvation that the Lord will carry us through this journey. "Footprints in the sand" comes to mind in my situation. "It was then that I carried you." Praise the Lord for that.

Life is not fair.

I don't know if I'll ever understand some people. I love facebook. Probably too much. I am on it multiple times a day when I know that I could be spending my time more wisely. I just get so frustrated reading posts from people talking about the drama between them and their husbands. It just blows my mind that people want to air out their dirty laundry like that. If I was their husband I would flip out. Here's a thought, how about you use that time that you spent on finding a bad ass way to post you were angry at your husband and use it to work on your relationship? When things go sour is your first thought "how am I going to post about this on facebook?" It just ticks me off to see people who don't take their life seriously. They don't think before they do things or make big decisions. Like the decision to have babies. It's just not something that they seem to put much thought into. They probably spend longer debating on the right toilet paper to buy than the pros and cons of having another child. It irks me to no end because my husband and I both work jobs to raise our son and would love nothing more than to have another baby even though our finances don't agree with us but we have had to think long and hard about the process. Now I have a disease that could take that experience away from us all together. Why is it fair for others to be able to pop out babies like it's no big deal and then live off the government in the process. I can't afford another child because I'm supporting theirs!!! I feel like our government has failed the blue collar community. Those of us that work our butts off just to make ends meat. Hell, I see people that brag about living off the government that dress better than me and drive newer cars than mine. How is that fair? Well I guess I just chalk this up to the old mantra that my mother and father used to tell me when I'd say something wasn't fair. "Life is not fair"

Busy Busy

Thursday something great happened. My husband shot a gun for the first time since his hand accident. We were concerned that he wouldn't be able to pull the trigger and fulfill his dream of being a police officer. We were both so happy. It's a little painful for him to do it but it's nothing that practice can't fix. Praise the Lord!

Thursday night, Noah threw up 18 times and Taylor threw up 17 times. Come to find out they both have norovirus. It has been a mess. Noah was throwing up bile and having accidents in his undies from it. I tried and tried to not get sick but it didn't work. I got it pretty bad also. I'm hoping that Keith doesn't catch it or we will all be up a creek without a paddle. Why is it so hard for parents to keep their kids home if they are sick? That irritates me to no end.

Cancer should be a 4 letter word

I had planned to stay home from work today since I didn't sleep well last night and I wasn't feeling 100%. Cori texted me and let me know that a client of mine wanted to come in today and get her hair cut. I was going to just let Cori do it since the client was totally ok with that but something was pulling at my heart to go on in and do her. I ran into this client last week and something just seemed wrong with her. She told me should would fill me in during her next hair cut. So off I went, very concerned about the news I may find out about her.

I really just had a feeling that something was wrong watching her walk up the sidewalk to the shop. I could tell it was written all over her face that she wasn't herself. Normally this client is such a bubbly person and such a hoot to be around. She sat down in my chair after washing her hair and apologized for her hair being so much longer than usual but she thought that she may have to lose it. I knew then and there that we were dealing with the possibilities of the big C. No one ever wants to hear the word "cancer." As soon as we hear that ugly word it's like hearing a death sentence. This poor beautiful woman has had a rough few weeks since after Christmas with a lot of health problems and tests being run on her. As she began to tell me of all the pain that she has gone through with just the tests and the unknown she began to cry. I wanted to cry along with her but I knew that my job as a cosmetologist is to make men,women and children feel better than they did when they walked in there. I looked at her and said "please don't cry, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this but we are just going to take it one day at a time and think positive from here on out." She wiped her tears away and smiled and thanked me.

Inside I was a total wreck though. I wanted to cry out for all of the families that have lost loved ones to cancer including my own and all of the incredibly strong people out there fighting for their lives every single day with this terrible disease. Cori has a client battling the big C right now too and I have grown to look to her clients as my own family also. I hurt knowing what they are going through. I pray for them day in and day out that God will give them the strength to overcome horrible things.

Before she left she told me that if she indeed did have to do chemo then she would be shaving her head in the event that she begins to lose her hair. I told her that was not a problem and we will cross that hurdle if it arrives. I made her aware of Cori's client that recently had to do the same thing and how we understand that it is an emotional time for them and everyone there so if we have to do that then we will close the shop down for her appointment and it will just be her and I there along with Cori. She seemed to appreciate that small gesture. I don't think a lot of people really understand how hard it is to watch someone lose their hair. Being in this business and with the recent event of watching Cori's client go through it, it has taught me just how hard it is on a woman. Our hair is a part of our identity. It's a big part of what makes us feel feminine and beautiful. Losing that is just a complete soul crusher. It makes us question why does these terrible things have to happen to such great people? Why do they have to lose that part of them when the rest of their body and spirit is so weak? I don't understand it but what I do understand is that we aren't supposed to have the answers to everything. I watched my grandmother lose her hair. I remember being in the first grade and walking into her house where she was standing in the kitchen to find her in there cooking without any hair. I hid behind the kitchen counter and she asked me to come to her. I shook my head no and said "I'm scared of you." She cried and I have never forgotten that. I was just a child and had no idea how my words would cut through her like a knife but I was scared. I was scared of what was happening to her. I knew she was sick. I watched my grandfather give her shots and change her colostomy bags. I could lay in bed next to her while her bowels were emptied into a 5 gallon bucket and that didn't bother me but the fact that she lost her hair did. I will never ever forget that moment where my innocents hurt my grandmother so much.

Every time I see a woman that has had to lose her hair I think back to that moment as a child. I have only done this woman's hair 3 times now but she has become such a big part of me. I like to think of all of my clients as a part of our little Hair Haven family. I hurt when they hurt,I laugh when they laugh, I want to cry when they want to cry. If anyone out there is reading this, please pray for this woman along with Cori's client as they go through this horrific journey.

Jan,30,2012

Nothing real special happened today at the Miller house. I haven't been feeling good and Noah was an Angel today helping mommy out. He was my go to fella to get me bottles of water and tissues ect. He is growing up way too fast. Today he actually walked up to me and asked "Mommy and you teach me a lesson like at school." I was so shocked and jumped right up and grabbed his workbooks and cleared off a spot at the table. We had a mini school lesson even though mommy felt like poo today. He is such a joy!

Keith cut his leg open last Wednesday and now his whole leg is swollen from the knee down. That landed him another trip to the doctor today to find out he has vasculitis or something like that. He really should be elevating it but he is hard headed and wont. That boy can be so stubborn sometimes.

I'm so exhausted to have not done much of anything today. It's back to the grind tomorrow so I should get some rest.

It's been forever!

I haven't posted in this blog for almost 3 years. I decided tonight that I will post more often if for nothing else than a way for me to release all of these thoughts in my head.

Noah is almost 4 years old now. He is such a joy and so smart. We feel so blessed to be his parents. He has quite the personality. It's time to give him a sibling though.

This year I found out that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. It causes infertility. Infertility is something I never had to worry about before so this is all new to me. Along with the PCOS comes insulin resistance so I've had to change a lot in my life to try to get healthy. Keith and I were thinking about starting to conceive in another year or more but since it could take a while we decided to go ahead and remove the birth control now and get a head start. He is excited to "practice" getting pregnant. LOL.

On the other hand, I have tons of emotions running through my head. I'm excited,scared,worried you name it and I feel it 24/7. It's a lot for me to carry around with me. I feel like the success of bringing another baby into this family weighs totally on my shoulders. I have a higher risk of a miscarriage with this disease and that scares the crap out of me. I was so excited up until my appointment on Tuesday morning to get my birth control implant removed. I woke up that morning with butterflies in my stomach and worried. I wasn't worried about the procedure but the future rather. The unknown scares me to death and I keep telling myself to Let Go and Let God but that is easier said than done. I'm such a worry wart and I don't know how to fix that.

So, anyways that's pretty much the short story of what I'm going through right now. I'm hoping typing out my emotions and feeling will help me along the way on this journey. If you're reading out there I could use all the prayers and support I can get.