I would be lying if I said that I haven't cried while trying to conceive this time but never like tonight. I think tonight was my breakdown of feeling sorry for myself,mad at the world,mad at God ect. I was totally fine this cycle about the possibility of another negative pregnancy test and then while waiting for the test to be complete in the bathroom and while praying to God I hear Noah ask Keith if he is a big brother and then argue with Keith when he tells him he isn't yet. Neither one of them knew I was testing in the bathroom at the time. My eyes welled up in that moment but no tears were shed. It wasn't until I was sitting at the kitchen table with my husband that I said "I don't know how much more of this I can take." Instead of a hug or an "it will be ok" he is more logical than that. In those moments you don't need a health lesson, you only need a hug. Well I needed a hug anyways but instead I got angry and stormed out and went for a walk. All of a sudden the song, Just a little walk with Jesus came into my head.
"Now let us have a little talk with Jesus
We're gonna tell Him all about our troubles
He will hear our fainted cry
He will answer by and by
Oh well, when you feel a little prayer wheel turning
And you will know a little fire is burnin'
You will find a little talk with Jesus makes it right"
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Breakdown
Posted by Becky at 8:39 PM 0 comments
Sunday, July 15, 2012
My rollercoaster
Life has proven more than ever to be one huge emotional roller coaster lately. My period cycles are so screwed up again and there's no wonder as to why we can't get pregnant. I'm almost positive Aunt Flow is right around the corner again since she has been showing signs of her untimely arrival for the past few days which means that we were unsuccessful once again. I can't even get my blood work done at the doctor's office because I bleed before day 25 of my cycle thus causing me to be unable to get any help to ovulate. This month will make 8 cycles since we have been trying to conceive our precious Angel. Noah doesn't understand either. He was so excited to go to the hospital when my niece was born the other night. It was incredibly cute. The next day when he found out I went back to the hospital to visit he asked "Why didn't you bring our baby home with you mom?" I had to explain to him that it wasn't our baby and it was Uncle Jake and Aunt Tai's baby. He asked "Why did you leave her with them?" I had to then explain a final time that she isn't our baby but she is our family and we will get to see her grow up and play with her just like his cousins Levi and Meadow and that the baby was in Aunt Tai's belly not mommy's. He seemed ok with it but looked puzzled.
As much as I try to lean on my faith to get through the bouts of depression with our inability to get pregnant right away I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't tough. I believe that one day we will have an addition to our family but it drives me nuts that I can't do it right away. Noah is 4 1/2 years old and I worry that if he gets too much older that a new baby might be something that he is no longer interested in us having. I worry that the jealousy will be worse and their bond won't be as strong as it could have been if they were closer in age. I guess worrying could be causing more damage than good in the long run but I'm only human.
If you're reading this, please continue to pray for myself and my little family. I'd appreciate that more than you'd ever know.
Posted by Becky at 10:10 PM 0 comments
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Noah,Noah,Noah (TTC Month 6)
I picked Noah up from daycare one day last week and when I walked in the door his teacher looks at me and says "I hear congratulations are in order. Congrats!" I asked what for and she said "You're pregnant." I told her I wasn't pregnant and she said "Well you better tell him that because he has told all of us that mommy has a baby in her belly and he is going to be a big brother." Apparently, he told anyone that would listen. I chuckled (Surprisingly it didn't make me cry). I explained to her that we have been trying for a while and it just has not happened yet.
I asked Noah why he told everyone that and his reply was "I want to tell them mommy. Please let me tell them." I explained that it was a lie and we don't tell lies and asked him why he thought I had a baby in my belly. He said "I just know it. I have a lot of brains." Once again I laughed while wondering where he comes up with this stuff. The whole way home I thought about it and even though it made me laugh it also made me a little sad that we haven't accomplished giving him a sibling yet but on the other hand this incident proved to me that Noah is ready to be a big brother and he will be excited when that time comes. That alone is a blessing.
Friends and family thought it would be funny if Noah knew something that we didn't seeing as how kids have a sixth sense at times. I can't lie, the thought crossed my mind also. However, I'm pretty positive I am not pregnant at the moment seeing as how I am having signs of the always unwelcomed Aunt Flow. I suppose it would still be ironic if it happened soon though. I guess there is always next month but until then we are still "practicing" as the hubby likes to call it.
The ironic thing is that Keith has really come out of his shell this month with the whole trying to conceive thing and it's truly been amazing. He has been wanting another baby also but he is a worry wart and has had some concerns about my health through all of this, causing him to not show excitement as much as I'd like. It seems like Noah's excitement has rubbed off on him and maybe a part of that has to do with the fact that he knows now that Noah will be ok with us sharing our time with another child in the future.
Posted by Becky at 9:43 PM 0 comments
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Just....a lot
I haven't blogged in a while because I've just had too much on my mind. I had an appointment recently with my Endo and I was so excited to give her the good news that my cycles have regulated with my metformin. Little did I know that I had bad news coming my way too. Due to the amount of bleeding I have been having during my cycle she told me very sweetly "Becky, you're not ovulating." CRUSH number 283,576,951,249! She put me on another medication for my insulin resistance and explained that this should help me ovulate by helping me lose some weight in the meantime. The whole way back to work my brain was scattered. Why should I ever think that anything was ever going to go as planned for me? Bad things happen to good people. That's the bottom line and it seems like the less deserving and the people who do the worst things get whatever they want. I question why this is the case but then quickly remind myself that I'm not supposed to know why everything happens and that God has a plan. I truly feel like God will bless our family with another child and that Noah will eventually be a big brother. I have to stay positive or else I will totally lose my mind.
On a MUCH happier note. Noah had his preschool graduation ceremony yesterday and he was super cute dressed up like a police officer. They had to dress up like whatever they wanted to be when they grow up. He wore his dad's pins from when Keith was in police explorer as a child and my father in-law brought him a hat and some stuff to clip on his belt. He reminded me of a little Chris (my dad) standing up there at times and at other times I could totally see Keith and A.K. in him. When it was his time to speak he said "When I grow up I want to be a police man. I want to keep the bad guys off the street and make sure they're put away!" My heart melted. We had no idea that he even had a speaking part much less a solo singing "He's the king of the Jungle." We certainly are proud parents and are very blessed to have him in our lives. Of course I recorded everything on my phone and took lots of pictures and all night last night I watched them over and over again just baffled by how fast he has grown. I used to think the whole "I blinked my eyes and you were grown" mantra was cheesy but it is so true once you become a parent. It seems like only yesterday I held him in my arms for the first time. I praise God for him!
Posted by Becky at 7:39 AM 0 comments
Monday, April 2, 2012
*Sigh*
"Are you done with just number one?"
Posted by Becky at 1:27 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
So this is what hurt feels like?
Haven't posted in a while but Keith and I finally went on our honeymoon to Myrtle Beach for a weekend. Yes, we've been married for 5 years but we never had a weekend out of town alone. Figured no better time than the present. We had a great time reconnecting and spending time together. We agreed we should do that once a year for sure.
Posted by Becky at 8:17 PM 0 comments
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Life is not fair.
I don't know if I'll ever understand some people. I love facebook. Probably too much. I am on it multiple times a day when I know that I could be spending my time more wisely. I just get so frustrated reading posts from people talking about the drama between them and their husbands. It just blows my mind that people want to air out their dirty laundry like that. If I was their husband I would flip out. Here's a thought, how about you use that time that you spent on finding a bad ass way to post you were angry at your husband and use it to work on your relationship? When things go sour is your first thought "how am I going to post about this on facebook?" It just ticks me off to see people who don't take their life seriously. They don't think before they do things or make big decisions. Like the decision to have babies. It's just not something that they seem to put much thought into. They probably spend longer debating on the right toilet paper to buy than the pros and cons of having another child. It irks me to no end because my husband and I both work jobs to raise our son and would love nothing more than to have another baby even though our finances don't agree with us but we have had to think long and hard about the process. Now I have a disease that could take that experience away from us all together. Why is it fair for others to be able to pop out babies like it's no big deal and then live off the government in the process. I can't afford another child because I'm supporting theirs!!! I feel like our government has failed the blue collar community. Those of us that work our butts off just to make ends meat. Hell, I see people that brag about living off the government that dress better than me and drive newer cars than mine. How is that fair? Well I guess I just chalk this up to the old mantra that my mother and father used to tell me when I'd say something wasn't fair. "Life is not fair"
Posted by Becky at 11:29 AM 0 comments