So this is what hurt feels like?

Haven't posted in a while but Keith and I finally went on our honeymoon to Myrtle Beach for a weekend. Yes, we've been married for 5 years but we never had a weekend out of town alone. Figured no better time than the present. We had a great time reconnecting and spending time together. We agreed we should do that once a year for sure.

Most people know that we are trying for baby number 2. We thought for sure we got pregnant on the first try with this awful disease that causes fertility issues. We caught my ovulation on a test strip. Or at least we thought we did. I was having all the symptoms, signs were pointing to yes until this morning. A pain in a local retail store hit me pretty hard. It was just a large cramp and I knew something wasn't right. I went back to work and realized after going to the bathroom that everything we thought was a lie. I indeed am not pregnant this time. Instead my PCOS is roaring it's ugly head at me and laughing in my face and sending AF to me crazy earlier than normal. I just felt like I hit a brick wall. How naive of me to think that for once the ball was in my court and maybe there is a chance that great things happen to good people. I thought that maybe the doctors were wrong and maybe it won't take me forever to get pregnant again. I could be the one person with PCOS to get pregnant on the first try or the one person misdiagnosed even though I KNOW I have it. The symptoms are there every day. I feel incredibly stupid. I feel stupid for even thinking that for once I'd get what I want, when I want it. It hurts seeing people carelessly getting pregnant and having children for the wrong reasons when I'm a great mom and deserve to have another child. Noah deserves to have a sibling. Last night he was taking a bath and I was waiting for the results on a pregnancy test (even though I knew it could still be a day or so early to tell) and Noah closed his eyes in the tub and prayed "Dear Jesus, please give mommy my baby brother. In Jesus name we pray AMEN." It melted my heart and I just didn't want to disappoint him. When I told him that the test said not right now he cried out "Awww I want a baby mommy!" Not only is my body failing me but it's failing my son and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't like to make him unhappy. He deserves to be a big brother. I know that people get pregnant with PCOS every day but for some it takes years of negative tests or miscarrying babies. Does he deserve to be put through that? I want to experience pregnancy when Noah is still this age to create the memories of him and pregnancy while he is still interested. I can't promise that to him. I don't do well with patience. I don't do well with the not knowing and I don't do well feeling like I can't fix a situation. I keep repeating "Let go,Let God" in my head. That mantra helps a bit but I feel like I have the devil on my other shoulder creating a pitty party for myself. I just wish I could have the answers to all of this but since we don't have all the answers in life, I will lean on my salvation that the Lord will carry us through this journey. "Footprints in the sand" comes to mind in my situation. "It was then that I carried you." Praise the Lord for that.

Life is not fair.

I don't know if I'll ever understand some people. I love facebook. Probably too much. I am on it multiple times a day when I know that I could be spending my time more wisely. I just get so frustrated reading posts from people talking about the drama between them and their husbands. It just blows my mind that people want to air out their dirty laundry like that. If I was their husband I would flip out. Here's a thought, how about you use that time that you spent on finding a bad ass way to post you were angry at your husband and use it to work on your relationship? When things go sour is your first thought "how am I going to post about this on facebook?" It just ticks me off to see people who don't take their life seriously. They don't think before they do things or make big decisions. Like the decision to have babies. It's just not something that they seem to put much thought into. They probably spend longer debating on the right toilet paper to buy than the pros and cons of having another child. It irks me to no end because my husband and I both work jobs to raise our son and would love nothing more than to have another baby even though our finances don't agree with us but we have had to think long and hard about the process. Now I have a disease that could take that experience away from us all together. Why is it fair for others to be able to pop out babies like it's no big deal and then live off the government in the process. I can't afford another child because I'm supporting theirs!!! I feel like our government has failed the blue collar community. Those of us that work our butts off just to make ends meat. Hell, I see people that brag about living off the government that dress better than me and drive newer cars than mine. How is that fair? Well I guess I just chalk this up to the old mantra that my mother and father used to tell me when I'd say something wasn't fair. "Life is not fair"

Busy Busy

Thursday something great happened. My husband shot a gun for the first time since his hand accident. We were concerned that he wouldn't be able to pull the trigger and fulfill his dream of being a police officer. We were both so happy. It's a little painful for him to do it but it's nothing that practice can't fix. Praise the Lord!

Thursday night, Noah threw up 18 times and Taylor threw up 17 times. Come to find out they both have norovirus. It has been a mess. Noah was throwing up bile and having accidents in his undies from it. I tried and tried to not get sick but it didn't work. I got it pretty bad also. I'm hoping that Keith doesn't catch it or we will all be up a creek without a paddle. Why is it so hard for parents to keep their kids home if they are sick? That irritates me to no end.