Breakdown

I would be lying if I said that I haven't cried while trying to conceive this time but never like tonight. I think tonight was my breakdown of feeling sorry for myself,mad at the world,mad at God ect. I was totally fine this cycle about the possibility of another negative pregnancy test and then while waiting for the test to be complete in the bathroom and while praying to God I hear Noah ask Keith if he is a big brother and then argue with Keith when he tells him he isn't yet. Neither one of them knew I was testing in the bathroom at the time. My eyes welled up in that moment but no tears were shed. It wasn't until I was sitting at the kitchen table with my husband that I said "I don't know how much more of this I can take." Instead of a hug or an "it will be ok" he is more logical than that. In those moments you don't need a health lesson, you only need a hug. Well I needed a hug anyways but instead I got angry and stormed out and went for a walk. All of a sudden the song, Just a little walk with Jesus came into my head. 

"Now let us have a little talk with Jesus
We're gonna tell Him all about our troubles
He will hear our fainted cry
He will answer by and by
Oh well, when you feel a little prayer wheel turning
And you will know a little fire is burnin'
You will find a little talk with Jesus makes it right"

I began to sob....and sob.....and sob much more. I was afraid my neighbors would see me crying so I tried to look away from their homes. I couldn't get back home fast enough. Then I just sat on the tail gate of my husband's truck and it all just came out. Emotions running out of every inch of my body. Tears just flew from my eyes and I couldn't catch my breath. I realized in that moment that this was a meltdown. Why? Why am I the only female in my entire immediate family with fertility issues after having my first child? Why do undeserving women have as many children as they want? Why can't I do this one task that the female was created for? Why can I give Noah anything else in the entire world but this? Why do I let myself get upset? 

I finally calmed down plus the gnats ran me back inside and had a talk with my husband. He really is sweet but you have to pull it out of him as he tends to forget that sometimes saying nothing at all is way more efficient in moments like this. Once I calmed down I realized that tomorrow is my blood work that we haven't been able to get in months past because my period has shown up before the test can be done. I am praying now that my period stays away long enough to get my blood drawn tomorrow. After that we should have more answers about how to go about making our next Angel. 

Several minutes after what I believe was my first breakdown I realize that that song that came into my head wasn't a coincidence. It didn't just appear there for no reason. Those emotions that I could feel on every inch of my body weren't just because I was emotional. Those tears that streamed down my cheeks weren't entirely from sadness. It was long after that moment when I realized that God was talking to me. No matter how many times I've said to myself "Let Go, Let God" I've never fully done it. It's time to do it now. Just a little walk with Jesus was just what I needed. Amen, to that.